nope no sspoiled babies here...

My sister often tells me that we have spoiled animals here, I have no idea what she's talking about... :-)

created by Ron...

be still...

With another referral to an "ologist" given to Ron yesterday sending me into a heart-heavy type of day, the kind riddled with angst, fear, pause and trepidation. My brain going in circles with regard to which "ologist" it will be that will finally look at m husband as a whole living breathing human being instead of their "specialty," will look at him and care, will look at him and not just see a number, will look at him and look after him as they would a brother, father or family member and who will finally connect all the dots even those outside of their "specialty" and figure out what the hell is going on with him. It's the continuation of a very stressful time and I needed to clear my head. With the kids at the neighbors doing yard-work I headed outside for some quiet. I pulled up a lawn chair, faced the sun, had my faithful dog at my feet, heard the clinking of Garlic's halter watching him eat the lush spring grass and listened to the wind blowing through my pine trees. It was then in that moment I heard God's voice whispering to me, "Be still my child and know that I am God." It was also at that moment I was able to let go of all that angst, fear, pause and trepidation and breathe. And I kept on breathing and it was what I needed and I was thankful.

Praise!!!!

We went to the doc's today for a check up and an up date with the results of Ron's most recent MRI. We had anticipated good news but what we got was more than that! As some of you are aware we've been dealing with some major health issues with my husband, without going into oodles of info, in July they found a grapefruit sized tumor in the retroperitoneal area which after being told twice that it was cancer turns out that it isn't! Even better than that; which  rightly so was pretty damn good news, was hearing that according to the latest MRI it is now the size of a blueberry!! He credits it to the raw food, juicing, love, prayers, and meds. And the cherry on this was that the doc told us that Ron was responding to treatment far far far better than even he'd expected! We both walked out of the office on a cloud and a smile a mile wide!

Happy Valentines Day!

Is there anything more sexy than a man in the kitchen cooking? YES! A man in the kitchen making chocolate covered strawberries for the love of his life. Ron's hands are severely atrophied and cause him extreme and constant pain so for him to think of and do this knocked my socks off. His sweet thoughtful gesture melted my heart, then melted in my mouth, they were delicious! Want more sexy?

A man who steps aside and shows his son to do the same thing for his mom. Andrew was just as proud as a peacock to be able to do this for me and grinned from ear to ear as he said to me "Open wide!" and plopped the biggest berry he'd dipped in my mouth. I love being surrounded by my men. :-)

25 - insurance

So I'm making my list of things I'm thankful for, and for today it's certain;y insurance. Ron, as you know, had had surgery recently and ended back up in surgery yesterday because he had sprung a leak from the incision and and we could not get it to stop, after a trip to the ER, three trips to the doc's office and waking up in a pool of blood they decided to go in and see what was going on. UGH! Anyway, I went to pick him up today from the hospital, got home and having been gone for two days made Bridger need a bit of exercise so the kids took him out to run and less than half an hour later Andrew came in and took out a paper towel for Faith whom had just cut her knuckle wide open which required three stitches.  Got home from that and took - I'm kidding. I have to laugh else I'd go insane! So one of the gifts I'm thankful for today certainly is insurance.

better than expected!

just a quick pop in tonight to let you know that Ron was first up this morning for his surgery; the only benefit as far as he can tell to being an insulin dependent diabetic, and about 45 minutes after he was in the recovery room we were headed home! Talk about a drive-by surgery! HOLY COW!!! He is home and pain is under control and he is resting comfortably. The surgeon came to talk to me after surgery and told me the surgery went better than expected and his recovery outlook is bright. The nerve was happy in a less invasive procedure area BONUS!! which we'll take after the gloomy cloud we've had over us for a good part of the year.

and on the docket for tomorrow...

another surgery for Ron. Ulnar nerve relocation. Yup. OUCH! I've got a big post coming soon, but priorities being what they are I cannot spare the time at the moment. I know y'all understand. I'll at least update you tomorrow night how things go. I'd very much appreciate any prayers for him as well as the surgical team. Thanks!r

for commitment

I love this picture and even more so the couple in it. It represents love, peace, respect, sacrifice and commitment and it's the commitment I'm thankful for because it really involves all the others. Today is our 16th anniversary and there were times that I wasn't sure we'd make it. I'm being honest here. There was a time when throwing in the towel would have been the easiest thing to do, mind you it wasn't always that way and it wasn't a daily thing, but I'm thinking likely some of you can relate and know where I'm coming from. When it would have been easier to throw in the towel I realized that I stood before God and Ron and witnesses and committed to love him and be joined together with him until we are parted by death. That was a sobering reality! It made me realize that if I went back on my commitment  not only to Ron but to God that would be a huge statement about who I am, if I took back my commitment I'd be a person who talked the talk but not walked the walk and that is not who I am. I took a look at our relationship in a whole new light and saw things I could improve on, where I could grow, where I could change, (some I'm still working at...) and not just expect all that from him. I married all of him and he married all of me including my flaws. I have a long way to go but it's worth it. I wish that more people would realize that when you make a commitment make the commitment!

Ron told me a long time ago that marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100 and it has proved to be a wise statement. It's hard work, it's heartbreaking at times, sometimes you get your feelings hurt and yes you are capable of damn near killing your spouse with hurtful things you do or say, so are they. Marriage is not always fun and it certainly isn't always champagne and roses - though it is sometimes!

But if you work through all those things that's when you get to the good stuff; the part of you that is able to trust only this person with your life, who is the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning and who reaches out to catch you when you stumble or fall. The person who knows you in the most intimate way and has the ability for feel you pain even when you're "fine." The person who you share children with and can make your day with a kind word or warm embrace. Who can make you feel like the most cherished person on earth with a kiss on the forehead. The person who is there when you look into the future and who is also in the past and both places bring a smile to your face. The person who goes out of his way to do something he knows will make you smile or thrill you to the moon and puts your needs before his own happiness, the person you cannot breathe without. Yes my friends, that is the good stuff.

Thank you Ron for the 16 years of marriage, the time before that as friends and the many years we have ahead of us. I love you!

spontaneous day trips

I woke up to a back rub and a question, "Do you have any plans today?" Then a "Let's go to Portland Head Light and take some pictures! C'mon, lets go!" How could I refuse?! So off we went!

We had a really good time too!

the past 4 months...

Odd as it may seem I'm so thankful for the past 4 1/2 months,  yes, I'm talking about the time my husband has been ill, in and out of the hospital and home. It's been a long hard road we've battled and tomorrow marks a big day, Ron is returning to work which I'm thankful for but I'm also viewing it as a mixed blessing. Ron is not cured, he's still weak but has made an amazing recovery and making wonderful strides daily! I cannot tell you how proud I am of him without the waterworks starting. So I'll spare y'all that and suffice to say I'm very proud of him. But it's the last the last word in that sentence I'm focusing on. Home. Ron was in the hospital for a month, and back to the ER several times since he got out but for most of the time during all this he was home. He was here recovering, enjoying, rehabilitating, resting, playing, loving, smiling and living. He was home and bonding with our children and seeing them in a whole new light. He tole Andrew yesterday that people should be retired while they have children at home and work after they are gone. Hearing him say that meant so much, it brought tears to my eyes. Our relationship has grown too and we're closer now than ever before. He's had time to reflect on the things that matter, to think about things that matter and let go of things that just don't. He's been given the chance to live like he was dying and then the blessing of knowing he's not.

We've managed to pay all our bills; albeit some were late, but paid just the same, we had food on the table and gas in the car to get him back and forth to the appointments he had due in large part to the love and support and financial help from family, friends, neighbors, churches and complete strangers. I know without a doubt that it was the prayer support, God's grace and mercy we had during all this that got all of us safely through this. I was able to leave the farm and be at the hospital every day with him and knew the farm was in the capable hands of my kids overseen by my mom and I was able to be there with him at his appointments and not have to worry about missing work because we made the choice a long time ago for me to stay home with the kids and I'm thankful everyday for that. 

I'm thankful for the past 4 1/2 months because we've been home together growing, laughing and loving and I'm going to miss these past days when tomorrow comes.

Ron it's been so very nice having you home with us, these are days I'll cherish. I love you.

another round of giving thanks - for an entire month!

Oops, I forgot to post yesterday despite the fact that I knew this was coming up - chalk it up to an overly stressed brain fart. But anyway, I participated in this last year and had such a wonderful time thinking about all the blessings of my life that I'm thankful for so I'm participating again this year. It's a daily challenge to focus ourselves on the things that we are thankful for, I encourage you to do the same.




To start off with, I'm going to post two things I'm thankful for today because I didn't do it yesterday. So for today I'm thankful for 1. photography and 2. beautiful things to photograph.

 I am thankful for photography because my memory cannot hold all of the things in it that I want to remember; and there are lots, but when I look at a picture I can remember that moment, that feeling or place. Photography is very emotional and powerful for me much like scents. My babies are growing up so quickly and there will come a day when they are grown and gone and I'll have memories and pictures and hopefully will be able to look through them and smile as the tears run down my face looking back at a life well lived and loved.

I'm thankful for beautiful things to photograph because without them life would not be worth living.

Our yearly hike

I've mentioned here before that we take a yearly hike to the top of this hill to get some pictures of the foliage and of course my beautiful children, this year despite all it's obstacles was not exception. The bonus was that Ron felt well enough to come along too! First up was Andrew, looking back at the other photos on here makes me want to cry, he's growing up so quickly but he's turning into a fine young man.

Next up was Faith, no longer a child, a  beautiful young lady on the inside and out. She's come a long way from an itty bitty preemie... Poor girl, 4th bout of poison ivy this year!

 Then came Ron's turn. I'm so thankful to have this picture of him
                                                    

 I wanted a couple shots of each of us with the kids and love how these came out.

But this is my favorite shot!

 Well, this might be a second favorite, if I'm being honest.


We all had a nice time and enjoyed the view of Mt. Washington, the delightful fall foliage and the time spent together in the company of loved ones. I have no idea why God has chosen to bless me with such a wonderful family, but I am eternally thankful.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

a great day!

My peaceful happy family

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

my first attempt

A surgical patient doped up on who knows what for medication does not make a great conversationalist, (unless said patient is also sleep deprived and starts conversations with folks in the next bed about pit bulls while in varying stages of sleep. ahem! A side effect that some might call conversational touretts, we won't go there! ;-) he he he!) Since it was comforting to Ron to have me at the hospital I spent a lot of time at the hospital sitting in the quiet, (I had do do something or that quiet and things we are facing were going to drive me to the edge.) so I knit. I spent the time I was alone while Ron was in the hospital trying to keep my mind from wandering into some of those scary places it shouldn't go, knit two, purl two, knit two... oh wait, what did you say we're facing?! knit two, color change, cancer?! what? knit two, color change. please explain this to me again, my mind cannot comprehend all this, my husband is not just a number attached to your paycheck! purl this row.

I knit. A lot!

I mentioned I'm not good at sitting and doing nothing and in this case other than being in the room, getting ice water, asking questions, trying to keep things and doctors straight, fluffing the bedding or pillows or feeding ice chips there was not a damn thing I could to! Talk about a feeling of complete and utter uselessness, frustration and helplessness!!! Then it donned on me! If I cannot help my husband's pain and cannot take it away I can knit up a storm with the hopes of selling the items to help bridge the gap and meet expenses! I can do that! I felt empowered in a situation I had no control over and no say in the outcome. The knitting needles have been smokin' hot!

This was my first attempt at wrist warmers/fingerless gloves/call them what you will. I've made mittens before and those have come out ok, but seeing these are so crazy popular I figured I'd have a go at making these. I used the same pattern as the mittens, but modified it slightly - I took it from 2 needles to 4, to get rid of the seam and altered the top and thumb to be fingerless.
I need to finish up the mate, but was so excited about how this came out I wanted to show y'all! It's got a hat that matches as well!
...and an actual pair of mittens.

Next to finish up is a pair of either fingerless thing-y's (for goodness sake what are these called?!) or a pair of mittens to go with the beige-ish oatmeal-y hat I also knit. When I finish up that I'm going to finish up and stuff the three teddy bears I made while there as well. I told you the knitting needles were smokin' hot!

Thanks for checking in on us here while we're going through all this. I am so touched by the kind words, prayers and genuine concern for my family from what some would consider strangers but whom I consider friends. Thank you so much. Though difficult at times,this journey has also been a blessing.

Ahhhhhhhh......

We're all home together tonight under one roof. So peaceful and thanking God for everything.

Hey Mr. "I'm a cancer doctor,"

Hey Mr. "I'm a cancer doctor," I don't need your flippant remarks, arrogance , or nasty attitude! Especially after 3 WEEKS!!!! We didn't ask for this, we have questions and want answers. All I ask if that you pretend that you care for the three minutes you I mean after all I only waited 9.5 hours today, AND 3 WEEKS to talk to you about this! I sincerely hope that if ever you find yourself in this situation you are shown more compassion than you've shown us!'re in the room, remember your oath? First do no harm?! Your bad attitude is harmful to patients and families!

update...

Ron had surgery to remove the tumor on Thursday, it was an extreeeeeeemely invasive surgery and the tumor was not able to be removed. I'd prepared myself for lots of things but not being able to remove the tumor was not even a possibility in my mind. So if I let my mind start to wander it tends to go to very scary places so I'm keeping it occupied by knitting and caring for Ron when he needs me. We are meeting with the oncologist on Monday to talk about the next step.