My beloved Boz

Dear Starry-Eyed Horse Crazy Little Girl,

                 Prepare yourself. I know your heart, I know how hard you have prayed for that horse, I know the pictures you have drawn and the dreams you have, I know. I know shows that you go to to watch and breathe and dream and long to be part of. Prepare yourself, I know. It may take a while, but you will get there. You will find that horse, the one you draw and pray for and can visualize and know will be there tied out front under the tree of your childhood home. I know the heartache and disappointment in the morning when it’s not there. Prepare yourself, it will happen. One day your horse will find you. You will start looking at ads and start a list of things you want your horse to be then you will find a horse you think has met your requirements and things will be set in motion, prepare yourself. Things are not always as they see. Then your horse will find you and it won’t matter that your horse doesn’t know about your list or measure up to it because contrary to what it on your list you have met the requirements for his. You see all that was on his list was that adult woman who dreamed and prayed for him as a starry-eyed horse crazy little girl who just wanted to love a horse. Prepare yourself, dreams do come true.

                Your horse will arrive and it will be one of the absolute best days of your life. You’ve waited your entire life for this moment so when it does soak it in, breath him into your soul, kiss that soft velvety nose, pat that soft neck. He has been through a lot to get here and it may take a while but when he nickers to you for the first time when you call to him; every single moment that you have waited for him will have been for that. Every time the barn door opens and he perks his head up to see you and greets you with that same nicker will etch him in your heart just a bit more. Prepare yourself dear girl. He will be ever so patient with you and forgiving of the mistakes you make, he will teach you things about yourself while he is trying to figure out what you are asking of him and you will learn together. Many miles together you will ride and although you may not ever win a ribbon on him you will be ok because it wasn’t the ribbon that you really wanted.

                Prepare yourself dear child, one day you will notice something is just not right and your gut will ache and your heart will start to crack. You will do everything you can think of to comfort him. You will watch and listen and you will ask him and you will tell him it’s ok. And a little piece of your heart will break. The vet will come and try to give you some answers and some comfort and you will feel another piece of your heart break. You will be with him around the clock soaking him into every fiber of yourself lest you forget a single detail, like the way he smells, his kind gentle eyes, the shape of his ear or how he twitches them when he hears you speak softly to him. Prepare yourself, the pain is unbearable, it will be almost impossible to breath. You will choose a place for him and you will lead him over to it and say good-bye. You will be there when his legs get wobbly and his head droops and when he lays his tired old body on the ground and his head is resting in your lap as he takes his final breath, prepare yourself dear child, it’s going to hurt. Your heart will shatter.

                Know this too dear child, know that as bad as it hurts, every single second will have been worth it. Every ride, every carrot, every heavy shovel of manure, every bag of grain and bucket of water. Every single second that you have fulfilled that dream will have been worth the wait. You will have given every bit of love that you could have to that horse and he to you. Prepare yourself, it will have been some of the best days of your life.

humbled...

I am so humbled by my children. They are amazing and I just can't tell you how much I love them and how much they mean to me, without them I am nothing because I have nothing.

Our garden area was a disaster - for several reason, more on that in another post and it is because of who Faith and Andrew are that we have a garden this year, why it's doing so well and why I am so humbled tonight. As their mom I get to witness them shine and I often have my heart pop with pride because of the thoughtfulness, kindheartedness or caring things they do often for other people. But is was one of those shining moments that connected itself  to tonight in the garden that I'll not forget. Complete selflessness is what I witnessed tonight and and I had no right to ask for their help and they both willingly gave up a perfect summer evening to spend it in the garden helping me weed and tend the plants. Not a complaint was uttered, not a sigh nothing but complete willingness to work.

There are few things in life better than a perfect summer evening where the air is cool and dry with a gentle summer breeze, bare knees buried in the warm earth, the birds singing in the treetops, the vocalizations of a mother goat to her baby, the clucking of chickens, dirt under your fingernails, affectionate conversation between my children and I united, solid, steady and strong.

So many people travel the world looking for the peace they might just be able to find in their own backyard.

big dog daddy!

Caution! Viewing the following photo may cause a sudden need for a larger vehicle, yard, the need to purchase significantly larger bags of dog food, the need to have a much larger couch and an overall feeling of awww. I make no apologies for this, owning a Great Dane has been one of the greatest joys of my life. View at your own risk...

This is Bridger's most recent litter!

Photo credit: Johnna H.

my boy

I love this photo.

He's had my heart for 5 years now...

 Five years ago today Garlic was delivered to his forever home and I'll tell you it has been the fastest 5 years of my life and some of the best memories I have include him. I've mentioned before and I'll say it again he is my childhood, little girl dream come true, only better. As best I can piece together he's about 30 today and I wanted to share some of the sage wisdom he's taught me since joining my life. There are some things I've learned in the past 5 years that only he could have taught me.

 He's taught me that sometimes what you think you want and what you need are completely different and what you need turns out being exactly what you want.

There are things in life worth waiting for because time is fleeting and causes you to savor every minute in a way that's not possible had you gotten it instantly.

 Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence but the grass is short, the people don't understand you and there is sweet feed served at home!

A few hours on horseback or a large warm shoulder to cry on are sometimes the same thing.

Sometimes it's the smallest stone that causes the most surefooted among us to stumble and it's ok we can recover and continue along that trail.

Lay down in the sunshine and rest when you're tired and take off at a full gallop when you're not.

Aging gracefully is beautiful.

Nicker when you see a loved one! They tend to eat that up - and bring carrots.

 Forgive the hurts from the past; they made you who you are, and who you are is appreciated because of the past, the good and the bad. 

It takes time to build trust, it's hard work but the payoff is amazing. I rode 'Boz' (Garlic) today bareback in a halter with just a lead rope. It was amazing, it gives me chills to relive it. We've gotten to know each other and built a trust with one another and developed an ability to listen to each other in a language only he and I speak, it's beautiful and there is now way this would have happened 5 years ago, but I'm so thankful we were put in each others paths and have had the past 5 years together.

It's ok to take chances, I did 5 years ago and have never looked back. I took a chance 5 years ago on a skinny old horse with a kind eye and completely unknown history, I took a leap of faith and I'm still flying!

I have no idea how much longer I have with him; 30 is getting up there, but if I spent all my time worrying about that and wondering I'd miss out on a whole pile time. So here's to the next 5 years Boz! Thank you for being the most amazing horse on the planet and for being mine. I love you Boz.

sometimes it's by choice...

Most of the time family is family by blood relations, and for the most part that typically works. Other times it's simply a matter of choice. For these two it's choice. Since the day Galloway arrived Orange Spice has taken to him like a duck to water. There is no biological reason for the two of them to have bonded so closely other than because they have chosen to. I cannot imagine any other way to be than to choose to love, for no other reason other than because you can. I'm glad my herd feels that way too.

Photo credit: Ron D.

Love

Taken yesterday morning, after Galloway was finished eating. I think we have another lap goat, like Buckley, and that is just fine with me.

enjoyed it we did

Happy Valentines Day!

Is there anything more sexy than a man in the kitchen cooking? YES! A man in the kitchen making chocolate covered strawberries for the love of his life. Ron's hands are severely atrophied and cause him extreme and constant pain so for him to think of and do this knocked my socks off. His sweet thoughtful gesture melted my heart, then melted in my mouth, they were delicious! Want more sexy?

A man who steps aside and shows his son to do the same thing for his mom. Andrew was just as proud as a peacock to be able to do this for me and grinned from ear to ear as he said to me "Open wide!" and plopped the biggest berry he'd dipped in my mouth. I love being surrounded by my men. :-)

for commitment

I love this picture and even more so the couple in it. It represents love, peace, respect, sacrifice and commitment and it's the commitment I'm thankful for because it really involves all the others. Today is our 16th anniversary and there were times that I wasn't sure we'd make it. I'm being honest here. There was a time when throwing in the towel would have been the easiest thing to do, mind you it wasn't always that way and it wasn't a daily thing, but I'm thinking likely some of you can relate and know where I'm coming from. When it would have been easier to throw in the towel I realized that I stood before God and Ron and witnesses and committed to love him and be joined together with him until we are parted by death. That was a sobering reality! It made me realize that if I went back on my commitment  not only to Ron but to God that would be a huge statement about who I am, if I took back my commitment I'd be a person who talked the talk but not walked the walk and that is not who I am. I took a look at our relationship in a whole new light and saw things I could improve on, where I could grow, where I could change, (some I'm still working at...) and not just expect all that from him. I married all of him and he married all of me including my flaws. I have a long way to go but it's worth it. I wish that more people would realize that when you make a commitment make the commitment!

Ron told me a long time ago that marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100 and it has proved to be a wise statement. It's hard work, it's heartbreaking at times, sometimes you get your feelings hurt and yes you are capable of damn near killing your spouse with hurtful things you do or say, so are they. Marriage is not always fun and it certainly isn't always champagne and roses - though it is sometimes!

But if you work through all those things that's when you get to the good stuff; the part of you that is able to trust only this person with your life, who is the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning and who reaches out to catch you when you stumble or fall. The person who knows you in the most intimate way and has the ability for feel you pain even when you're "fine." The person who you share children with and can make your day with a kind word or warm embrace. Who can make you feel like the most cherished person on earth with a kiss on the forehead. The person who is there when you look into the future and who is also in the past and both places bring a smile to your face. The person who goes out of his way to do something he knows will make you smile or thrill you to the moon and puts your needs before his own happiness, the person you cannot breathe without. Yes my friends, that is the good stuff.

Thank you Ron for the 16 years of marriage, the time before that as friends and the many years we have ahead of us. I love you!

"Thank you Mommy for spoiling me!"

It's a statement I'm sure you're familiar with; "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," never have I found it to be more true than with Andrew. This past summer he mentioned to me that he thought his best friend (his cousin) was spoiled because his mother (my sister) made him waffles and doughnuts for breakfast. Not both on the same day mind you, but more frequently than Andrew eats them. It's no secret that I'm not a morning person, and in all honesty it would be dangerous for me to be dealing with nearly 400 degree oil that early in the morning! Andrew has had homemade waffles before and occasionally make them himself, but on a recent overnight visit to my sister's house she set a precident - waffles and doughnuts for breakfast two days in a row, and sent some home with him. Little did I know that her doing that would mean more work for me. I knew he'd be thrilled if I attempted that so I tried this morning, keeping it a secret in case it failed. I used the recipe from Pioneer Woman but added a bit if fresh nutmeg like my grandmother used to. In between making homemade pizza for dinner and family movie night last night I secretly made the dough for the doughnuts and made the waffle batter after he went to bed. This morning I woke up early, made myself a tall glass if iced chai tea and set about making the doughnuts. This is not something I'd attempt without caffeine or on a school day and we home school! After rolling out the dough and cutting the doughnuts you need to let them rise for over an hour, which allowed time for barn chores and waffle making. It's a very long process. I'd hoped to have some of this special breakfast done before he woke up, but it was not to be. He walked into the kitchen, saw what I was doing and a mile wide grin spread across his face and his eyes lit up. He ran and gave me a big hug and said "I'm going to be a spoiled boy today!"

A huge stack of waffles! Andrew finished up making the last one for me.

before...

during...

after...

YUM!!!

thank you Hyacinth for sharing your life with us

This has been one of those weeks that I don't ever care to endure again. So much pain and sorrow and not just here on the farm and in others lives as well. I've heard the expression through pain comes growth but I'd just as soon grow without the pain, thank you. Yesterday when I went out to the barn I saw a horrible sight, our eldest doe (Faith's favorite girl) was down and screaming in pain, I called the vet and had her come out, we put a stomach tube in to release the excess pressure in her rumen. She gave her a shot of bantamine for her pain and said lets give her some supportive care and see if that helps and I'll check on her tomorrow.



We went to the barn this morning, I with a dose of bantamine in hand and the kids with a wing and a prayer. It was not good. She was double the size she was yesterday and still not up. I told the kids that it was highly likely we would have to put her down and Faith was so visibly upset and cried. Andrew tried to hold it in but some great big tears slipped beyond his control and rolled down his cheeks. I called the vet again and explained the situation and she came right out. Today she inserted a rather large needle into the rumen through the side of her stomach and it sounded like the air being released from a balloon, not to mention the stink and then the 'juices' that came spurting out and unfortunately onto the vet. Gross! It did seem that Hyacinth's pain was eased but not alleviated. It was our thought that if she felt better she'd be inclined to get up and maybe walk about, that was not the case. We made a sling from the baby blanket Andrew brought to the barn; the one he'd been using to put over Harley at night, and we were able to get her up. Now mind you it was clear that Hyacinth had some issues with her back end and what seemed to be arthritis, not knowing her age but knowing some of her history. See, Hyacinth has had a rough life. The woman I got her from, Elaine, got her from a local equine rescue group where she'd been placed from an abusive situation. Elaine told me that she'd been beaten and that it was quite a long time before she could walk in the barn anywhere near Hyacinth with anything long and skinny, you know like a muck fork handle or what have you. But Elaine took her time, built her trust and eventually the issue subsided. And they were happy.

Hyacinth came to live here just over a year ago and let me tell you we were happy to have her here, she instantly bonded with our patient old gelding Garlic. They were never more than about 15 feet from each other and they were happy. Who'd of thought that an abused old goat and an (formerly) emaciated old horse would have formed such a tight bond.

We got her to bare weight on her legs and supported her when we tried to have her walk, but seeing her struggle so nearly killed me. I'm not exactly considered a 'warm and fuzzy' person, and I know I'd make a terrible vet because when I see and animal in pain and not being able to vocalize it in a way we can understand it hurts. I consider myself to be a caretaker of creation and sometimes that means making really hard decisions, decisions that have a lasting effect and and occasionally literally life and death decisions. It's a job I hope I am doing well and so far, the decisions I've had to make I've been comfortable with and can live with. My poor goat was in obvious severe pain and this happened in the matter of overnight, the vet wasn't sure exactly what had caused this but it was obvious what had to be done.

The vet that help us through this was exactly the kind of vet I want to treat my animals. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. Concerned. She wanted to heal my doe, but when it was obvious that was just not going to work we decided that it was the humane thing to. Hyacinth would always greet us with a joyful expression and a happy little nicker. She'd not done that in two days. She even refused a peppermint candy this morning and that is not her. She loved her peppermint treats!


She asked us if we'd like a few minutes, we did. I asked the kids if they wanted to stay or to leave. At first Andrew said he didn't want to be there, but then Faith said she did, so Andrew decided if Faith would be there then he needed to be too. We said our good-byes, cried, collected ourselves and Andrew went out to get the vet. She explained what was going to happen and we headed into the barn. Hyacinth's head was resting in Faith's lap. The vet shaved part of her neck to place the iv in, she didn't fight it or even seem to mind. The vet administered the drug, her eyes got really heavy, her head dropped, she let out a sigh, rolled to her side and it was over. Other than Faith sobbing you could have heard a pin drop in the barnyard. Whereas when we went out this morning, everybody was on screech! Even the normally docile alpacas were stirred up, but when Hyacinth passed from this world it was the most calm and peaceful sunny day and it seemed all the other animals just knew and it was beautiful.


We had to scramble this afternoon to figure out what to do with her now and I'll be quite honest I was freaking out a bit. It's the middle of February in Maine and we've got frozen ground a lot of snow. One good thing about living in a small town is that people know each other and are willing to help out a neighbor. I called a guy I knew would have an idea of who might have a backhoe. I was in a bind and I couldn't bare the thought of placing her in a manure pile on a dairy farm, but would have done that if it was to be that way. I called a gentleman up the road and he was willing to help me out, tomorrow. Low and behold he knocked on my door late this afternoon! It ended up working out better for him (and me) to bury her today. He made quick work of it, we got her into the hole and he covered her up. So she's buried here on the farm as it should be and I am happy.


Doing the chores in the barn tonight was sad, there is a void where she used to be and I miss her cheerful nicker and her searching for and anticipating treats.


These are some of my favorite pictures of her. She was a sweet and gentle spirit and is greatly missed.

How did it happen?

How did it happen to be that I was blessed with wonderful amazing children? I don't what I did or if it even had anything to do with me, but I'm pretty damn proud of my children tonight and wanted to share that with y'all.

It's been snowing here all day and Ron's car is what I call an itty bitty matchbox car, but he says it's "midsized sedan!!!!" He doesn't like it when I pick on his car apparently... but I digress. Either way, it doesn't have much snow bank clearance, especially Maine winter snowbanks, yes, this is one of those things we learned the hard way. In an attempt to avoid the car being stuck in the snow at the end of the driveway he called on the way home from work and asked if the snowplow had been on our road yet if we could clear the end of the driveway. No problem! The kids and I bundled up and I donned on my fancy new WARM boots and headed out. I started the snow blower and headed to the end of the driveway. This storm produced lots of light fluffy powder so it was taken care of quickly. While the kids were helping me clear our driveway I glanced over at the neighbors driveway and saw that it had the same huge pile of snow at the end of it also, this is unusual for them as they are usually out there early and often. I figured since it was going so quickly with ours that I'd send the kids over to the neighbors and asked them to just clear their end too and then to come right back.

It's not fun having to shovel your way into the driveway immediately after getting home from work, trust me, I've done it. One time while we were moving in the winter I had to walk through snow over my knees to get to the house, unlock the door grab a shovel and start digging so I could park in the driveway, then I had to do some packing load the truck and drive home. I was not a happy woman that night.

Since it was light and fluffy and they used a snow scoop and shovel and they worked together they got it done quickly and were back in a flash. Andrew came up to me and asked if he could go back and shovel the entire thing for them, "just to be a nice Christian boy." At that moment I was certain my heart would pop right through my chest I was so proud of him. I smiled at his eager willingness and said "yes, go grab your head lamp and zip up your jacket." So he and Faith walked back over and quietly went about the task of shoveling the driveway. Come to find out their snow blower wouldn't start, according to Andrew. It's not as long as our driveway, but it's lengthy. Our neighbor was appreciative of the effort and gave them a bag of homemade cookies to take with them when they left. My kids came home tired and hungry and felt good that they had done something to love their neighbor.

thicker than water

They say that blood is thicker than water and generally that is in reference to family, well it's something that I never really 'got.' I know it's supposed to be a good thing generally, but to me it seems to imply that family can only be blood, but blood is very sticky and thick. Water on the other hand, is clear and free flowing, going easily in the path of least resistance. Now that to me makes more sense in describing family. Water has a great ability to cover. It's free flowing. Spreads easily. Does not a family who cannot have a blood child love an adopted child as much as a family by birth? Do they not consider them family? Isn't a family blessed with the ability to foster children able to love those children as their own? What about blended families? Love happens in those and is it just as fierce a love as blood relations. What about extended families as in in-laws, out-laws, and friends that are as close as family. I love my parents and sisters as well as Ron's parents and siblings, I've got friends whom I love, yet they are not my blood, but they are my family. Maybe I was blessed with ability to love like water, maybe it's a choice, maybe it's something else, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life to love.

Strawberry

Today while taking a break from putting up fencing to talk to Ron, Strawberry meandered over to us and stopped in between us; fully expecting to be loved on. She looked up at us with those sappy love-y dove-y goats eyes of hers and how could we refuse?! She has been such a blessing to us and our farm and I am so thankful for her. My sister's fence was not powerful enough to hold her in which was sad for them, but since they sent her over here they can come visit anytime and know that she's got a good home and by the look on her face I'd say she's happy! She has given us two little goat kids and will hopefully deliver more in April. We've been milking her since she kidded and it's been almost two years! Her production is down now, but still gives me about a quart a day, so I've nothing to complain about! She follows us around like a puppy and moos similarly to a cow when we're too far away from her or she's calling the rest of the herd. She snores when she sleeps, slurps when drinking water and tries to sneak into the grain room almost daily when I take her off the milking stand but I adore her. Thank you Amy for this wonderful blessing.

two of my biggest blessings

You'll have to forgive me if I seem a bit nostalgic or weepy, this Gratitude Challenge had reminded me of so many many things I'm thankful for.

love and friendship

This picture; though it was taken several years ago, epitomizes Faith and Andrew and is a dear favorite of mine. I'm so thankful for the beautiful relationship between the two of them, I could not ask for a better one. When I was pregnant with Andrew and found out he was a boy I was shocked, I was certain I would have another daughter, then the shock turned into concern. Not that I was concerned about having a boy, I was excited about that, but concerned that Faith wouldn't have a little sister close to her age to play with and share secrets and clothes with. I never had a brother, so I had no idea of the beautiful bond that could form between a sister and brother. They are the happiest people I know. There was no reason for my concern at all, it was all figured out way beforehand and it amazes me. My first insight as to the beautiful friendship that would eventually be almost as strong as a mother and child was about a week or so after we brought Andrew home. Faith was only about 17 months old at the time, still very much a baby herself, but love knows no age. We were in the living room and I'd laid Andrew on the carpet on a blanket to stretch and wiggle and Faith was playing with her toys in the general area. I sat down in a recliner and just watched. Beaming as only a proud new mother of the most beautiful children on Earth could. Andrew stretched, wiggled and cooed for a bit then started fussing. Nothing awful, just a little bit. Faith heard it hurried over to him, scooched down and covered him up with another blanket that laid beside him. Then gently leaned over him kissed him and patted his belly and said 'It's ok." I had just witnessed the most pure act of love I'd ever seen and it filled my heart with such joy, I was sure my heart would pop! The tears flowed like a fountain, I glanced over at Ron and he too had witnessed it and with his chin quivering smiled at me in awe of the moment. It is one of those moments I'll never forget.

with all my heart and soul

I am thankful every day for this man.

Growing up my grandmother told me, 'Don't wait for the one you can live with, but wait for the one you cannot live without.' I'm glad I took her advice.

Ron, I'm thankful for the life we've built together all these years, through the good times, through the hard times and the times that we grew together instead of apart. I'm thankful you work as hard as you do to provide for our family. I'm thankful that you are kind, loving, patient and think things through before acting impulsively, (we cannot have two of those in the marriage...) and I'm thankful that you love me in spite of my faults. We've been married for 15 years and though it doesn't seem possible, I love more now then I did then. There's a song that Brad Paisley sings called "Then" and the chorus goes:

"Now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl (Ron)
Like a river meets the sea
Stronger than it's ever been
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then."

I think it's accurate in my feelings for you. We have come so far and I did think I loved you then; I did, but it's grown and changed and and expanded in ways I never thought possible then. Thank you Ron for sharing your life with me, for the children we have, for the hopes and dreams we have for the future, for the ups and downs of the past we've shared, for a lifetime of memories. I love you with all my heart and soul and look forward to many more happy years together.

One Happy Woman!

love your neighbor

Just over a month or so ago, my 'news junkie' husband was reading the newspaper online and made a comment about a farmer in a neighboring town just to north of us loosing his barn to a barn fire. My heart ached for this person as I can only imagine what that must feel like. I asked a few questions and as he was giving me the answers I realized that this person was a dear friend of my brother-in-law whom I'd met briefly at a fair a few summers back. That realization made an already tragic situation even worse, it was just a few years ago this man and their young daughter lost his wife to cancer. This broke my heart. I got on the phone to my sister and told her to let this man know if there was anything that I could do to help please let me know! I knew I could not replace the items he'd already lost, but I might be able to help in other ways, turns out I could! He called and asked if I be willing to can some of the things from his garden. Absolutely! His sister dropped off the items on her way home one evening and they were canned that night. I called and told them they were ready and would drop them off on my way to the children's piano lessons and brought home another couple baskets of tomatoes. It felt really nice to be able to help a fellow farmer and I never expected anything in return. My sister called me this afternoon and told me about a benefit dinner the historical society, whom he does much work for, was hosting in his honor and asked me if I wanted to attend. Yes! I'd never attended anything like that before but it was for a great cause so I decided to go. Well, my son and I were the only ones who could make it but we just returned and I'll tell you it was a wonderful sense of belonging and such support for this hardworking farmer. The dinner was simple and humble much like the man for whom the benefit was for, but the love, generosity, neighborliness, and support for this man and his family was such a blessing to see and feel. I'll tell you, I never expected anything in return for my willingness to help, but a renewed faith in humanity is what I received. I encourage all of you tomorrow or the next day or the day after that to go do something for someone else and expect nothing in return and experience the blessing that that is. I'd love to hear what you did, if you want to leave a comment and tell me, if not that's fine too. But please love your neighbor and do it because you can.