My beloved Boz

Dear Starry-Eyed Horse Crazy Little Girl,

                 Prepare yourself. I know your heart, I know how hard you have prayed for that horse, I know the pictures you have drawn and the dreams you have, I know. I know shows that you go to to watch and breathe and dream and long to be part of. Prepare yourself, I know. It may take a while, but you will get there. You will find that horse, the one you draw and pray for and can visualize and know will be there tied out front under the tree of your childhood home. I know the heartache and disappointment in the morning when it’s not there. Prepare yourself, it will happen. One day your horse will find you. You will start looking at ads and start a list of things you want your horse to be then you will find a horse you think has met your requirements and things will be set in motion, prepare yourself. Things are not always as they see. Then your horse will find you and it won’t matter that your horse doesn’t know about your list or measure up to it because contrary to what it on your list you have met the requirements for his. You see all that was on his list was that adult woman who dreamed and prayed for him as a starry-eyed horse crazy little girl who just wanted to love a horse. Prepare yourself, dreams do come true.

                Your horse will arrive and it will be one of the absolute best days of your life. You’ve waited your entire life for this moment so when it does soak it in, breath him into your soul, kiss that soft velvety nose, pat that soft neck. He has been through a lot to get here and it may take a while but when he nickers to you for the first time when you call to him; every single moment that you have waited for him will have been for that. Every time the barn door opens and he perks his head up to see you and greets you with that same nicker will etch him in your heart just a bit more. Prepare yourself dear girl. He will be ever so patient with you and forgiving of the mistakes you make, he will teach you things about yourself while he is trying to figure out what you are asking of him and you will learn together. Many miles together you will ride and although you may not ever win a ribbon on him you will be ok because it wasn’t the ribbon that you really wanted.

                Prepare yourself dear child, one day you will notice something is just not right and your gut will ache and your heart will start to crack. You will do everything you can think of to comfort him. You will watch and listen and you will ask him and you will tell him it’s ok. And a little piece of your heart will break. The vet will come and try to give you some answers and some comfort and you will feel another piece of your heart break. You will be with him around the clock soaking him into every fiber of yourself lest you forget a single detail, like the way he smells, his kind gentle eyes, the shape of his ear or how he twitches them when he hears you speak softly to him. Prepare yourself, the pain is unbearable, it will be almost impossible to breath. You will choose a place for him and you will lead him over to it and say good-bye. You will be there when his legs get wobbly and his head droops and when he lays his tired old body on the ground and his head is resting in your lap as he takes his final breath, prepare yourself dear child, it’s going to hurt. Your heart will shatter.

                Know this too dear child, know that as bad as it hurts, every single second will have been worth it. Every ride, every carrot, every heavy shovel of manure, every bag of grain and bucket of water. Every single second that you have fulfilled that dream will have been worth the wait. You will have given every bit of love that you could have to that horse and he to you. Prepare yourself, it will have been some of the best days of your life.

my boy

I love this photo.

He's had my heart for 5 years now...

 Five years ago today Garlic was delivered to his forever home and I'll tell you it has been the fastest 5 years of my life and some of the best memories I have include him. I've mentioned before and I'll say it again he is my childhood, little girl dream come true, only better. As best I can piece together he's about 30 today and I wanted to share some of the sage wisdom he's taught me since joining my life. There are some things I've learned in the past 5 years that only he could have taught me.

 He's taught me that sometimes what you think you want and what you need are completely different and what you need turns out being exactly what you want.

There are things in life worth waiting for because time is fleeting and causes you to savor every minute in a way that's not possible had you gotten it instantly.

 Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence but the grass is short, the people don't understand you and there is sweet feed served at home!

A few hours on horseback or a large warm shoulder to cry on are sometimes the same thing.

Sometimes it's the smallest stone that causes the most surefooted among us to stumble and it's ok we can recover and continue along that trail.

Lay down in the sunshine and rest when you're tired and take off at a full gallop when you're not.

Aging gracefully is beautiful.

Nicker when you see a loved one! They tend to eat that up - and bring carrots.

 Forgive the hurts from the past; they made you who you are, and who you are is appreciated because of the past, the good and the bad. 

It takes time to build trust, it's hard work but the payoff is amazing. I rode 'Boz' (Garlic) today bareback in a halter with just a lead rope. It was amazing, it gives me chills to relive it. We've gotten to know each other and built a trust with one another and developed an ability to listen to each other in a language only he and I speak, it's beautiful and there is now way this would have happened 5 years ago, but I'm so thankful we were put in each others paths and have had the past 5 years together.

It's ok to take chances, I did 5 years ago and have never looked back. I took a chance 5 years ago on a skinny old horse with a kind eye and completely unknown history, I took a leap of faith and I'm still flying!

I have no idea how much longer I have with him; 30 is getting up there, but if I spent all my time worrying about that and wondering I'd miss out on a whole pile time. So here's to the next 5 years Boz! Thank you for being the most amazing horse on the planet and for being mine. I love you Boz.

quite an eye

I love this shot that Faith took, quite an eye, quite an eye...

enjoyed it we did

back in the saddle baby!

It's been a long time with everything that has gone in the past year with high's and low's but today I'm back in the saddle and let me tell you it feels good!!! Today I decided to saddle up Garlic and go for a ride. It's been a long time since I'd done that with all the ice we had last winter, all the death this past spring, the illness this past summer and fall, the business that brings in the end of year, now we're back to the beginning of riding season and I'm back in the saddle!  I mean this in the literal sense as well as metaphorically too, I cannot say the past year was easy or that it was handled brilliantly. I'd do it again if I had to but there were times that despite the peace I honestly felt there were times that things felt completely out of control and it's been a while since I felt like I had a handle on things, today was the culmination of feeling like things were back under control. As 'Boz' and I headed back to the barn we rode along in a rhythmic collected canter; mane, tail, and hair flowing behind us; both of us needing this and fully enjoying our time out. I was able to let out a sigh that as it was being exhaled surprised even me in it's exit. Long overdue that.

My horses

Bridger doesn't know he's not a horse...

My boy

4 years ago today...

... heart of gold with a kind eye was delivered into my life and delivered me in ways I never thought possible. Not for a minute have I ever regretted making that decision and now that he has joined my life I cannot imagine my life without him.


Last year I mentioned that I had drawn a picture that hung on my wall as a child, well when I snapped this picture the other day it made me smile because it is almost exactly like the one I drew as a child - only better.
My favorite kissing place!

Thank you Garlic for being in that pen on that day and stepping into my life as gently as a summer breeze and fulfilling and exceeding my childhood dream. The other night I watched a video of your first day here and later our first ride, and it brought tears to my eyes and a flood of emotion. Thank you for being a kind and willing partner now and a patient teacher then. I love you Boz!

eating ice cream

Yesterday was a beautiful day and one that was made for being outside, so I spent most of it raking and doing yard work with my family. Ron was leaf blowing, Faith having not felt well for a while sat and picked rocks off the lawn and ate popsicles, more than I thought she would do. Andrew took turns picking up the piles of rocks I was raking; the downside of having the gravel drive way plowed, and leaf blowing when Ron took a break. At one point during the day Ron and Andrew grabbed a pole, tackle box, the dog and headed out to see if they could catch anything. They did not, but had a nice time trying.

The animals are being weaned onto the grass now that the last bit of the snow officially left last week, yes, I'm serious! I do it slowly so as not to upset the stomachs of my beloved animals or the delicate root systems of the grass. I think Garlic's best week is the first week he's let back out onto fresh pasture, he hops, kicks, bucks, farts and tosses his head around like a spring colt! It's simply delightful for both of us. As the day wore on and I was loosing steam and my body was aching from cleaning the goat pen out after a long winter of deep bedding and a day of raking I walked out to Garlic who at that point was being brushed by Ron and said how much I'd love to go for a ride. Ron continued brushing and said "Well, in the words of Pam, (a family friend who just lost her courageous battle with cancer) 'Life is short, eat ice cream!' do it." For about half a second I considered it, but the rocks on the lawn beckoned my return and I obliged and continued raking. Afternoon turned into early evening and I had gone inside for something to drink and on my way back outside I walked past my husband; who was sitting in a lawn chair after his final turn with the leaf blower, and said, "I'm going to go eat ice cream!" Then I went to get my boy, (Garlic) brought him to the barn for a quick brush down, slapped a saddle and bridle on him and took off. It felt wonderful and was just what I needed.

So for those of you who've never galloped down a country road or eaten ice cream this video is for you! I hope you find it as delicious as I did.

thank you Hyacinth for sharing your life with us

This has been one of those weeks that I don't ever care to endure again. So much pain and sorrow and not just here on the farm and in others lives as well. I've heard the expression through pain comes growth but I'd just as soon grow without the pain, thank you. Yesterday when I went out to the barn I saw a horrible sight, our eldest doe (Faith's favorite girl) was down and screaming in pain, I called the vet and had her come out, we put a stomach tube in to release the excess pressure in her rumen. She gave her a shot of bantamine for her pain and said lets give her some supportive care and see if that helps and I'll check on her tomorrow.



We went to the barn this morning, I with a dose of bantamine in hand and the kids with a wing and a prayer. It was not good. She was double the size she was yesterday and still not up. I told the kids that it was highly likely we would have to put her down and Faith was so visibly upset and cried. Andrew tried to hold it in but some great big tears slipped beyond his control and rolled down his cheeks. I called the vet again and explained the situation and she came right out. Today she inserted a rather large needle into the rumen through the side of her stomach and it sounded like the air being released from a balloon, not to mention the stink and then the 'juices' that came spurting out and unfortunately onto the vet. Gross! It did seem that Hyacinth's pain was eased but not alleviated. It was our thought that if she felt better she'd be inclined to get up and maybe walk about, that was not the case. We made a sling from the baby blanket Andrew brought to the barn; the one he'd been using to put over Harley at night, and we were able to get her up. Now mind you it was clear that Hyacinth had some issues with her back end and what seemed to be arthritis, not knowing her age but knowing some of her history. See, Hyacinth has had a rough life. The woman I got her from, Elaine, got her from a local equine rescue group where she'd been placed from an abusive situation. Elaine told me that she'd been beaten and that it was quite a long time before she could walk in the barn anywhere near Hyacinth with anything long and skinny, you know like a muck fork handle or what have you. But Elaine took her time, built her trust and eventually the issue subsided. And they were happy.

Hyacinth came to live here just over a year ago and let me tell you we were happy to have her here, she instantly bonded with our patient old gelding Garlic. They were never more than about 15 feet from each other and they were happy. Who'd of thought that an abused old goat and an (formerly) emaciated old horse would have formed such a tight bond.

We got her to bare weight on her legs and supported her when we tried to have her walk, but seeing her struggle so nearly killed me. I'm not exactly considered a 'warm and fuzzy' person, and I know I'd make a terrible vet because when I see and animal in pain and not being able to vocalize it in a way we can understand it hurts. I consider myself to be a caretaker of creation and sometimes that means making really hard decisions, decisions that have a lasting effect and and occasionally literally life and death decisions. It's a job I hope I am doing well and so far, the decisions I've had to make I've been comfortable with and can live with. My poor goat was in obvious severe pain and this happened in the matter of overnight, the vet wasn't sure exactly what had caused this but it was obvious what had to be done.

The vet that help us through this was exactly the kind of vet I want to treat my animals. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. Concerned. She wanted to heal my doe, but when it was obvious that was just not going to work we decided that it was the humane thing to. Hyacinth would always greet us with a joyful expression and a happy little nicker. She'd not done that in two days. She even refused a peppermint candy this morning and that is not her. She loved her peppermint treats!


She asked us if we'd like a few minutes, we did. I asked the kids if they wanted to stay or to leave. At first Andrew said he didn't want to be there, but then Faith said she did, so Andrew decided if Faith would be there then he needed to be too. We said our good-byes, cried, collected ourselves and Andrew went out to get the vet. She explained what was going to happen and we headed into the barn. Hyacinth's head was resting in Faith's lap. The vet shaved part of her neck to place the iv in, she didn't fight it or even seem to mind. The vet administered the drug, her eyes got really heavy, her head dropped, she let out a sigh, rolled to her side and it was over. Other than Faith sobbing you could have heard a pin drop in the barnyard. Whereas when we went out this morning, everybody was on screech! Even the normally docile alpacas were stirred up, but when Hyacinth passed from this world it was the most calm and peaceful sunny day and it seemed all the other animals just knew and it was beautiful.


We had to scramble this afternoon to figure out what to do with her now and I'll be quite honest I was freaking out a bit. It's the middle of February in Maine and we've got frozen ground a lot of snow. One good thing about living in a small town is that people know each other and are willing to help out a neighbor. I called a guy I knew would have an idea of who might have a backhoe. I was in a bind and I couldn't bare the thought of placing her in a manure pile on a dairy farm, but would have done that if it was to be that way. I called a gentleman up the road and he was willing to help me out, tomorrow. Low and behold he knocked on my door late this afternoon! It ended up working out better for him (and me) to bury her today. He made quick work of it, we got her into the hole and he covered her up. So she's buried here on the farm as it should be and I am happy.


Doing the chores in the barn tonight was sad, there is a void where she used to be and I miss her cheerful nicker and her searching for and anticipating treats.


These are some of my favorite pictures of her. She was a sweet and gentle spirit and is greatly missed.

so very very thankful

One Happy Woman!

dark cloud lifted!

Saturday morning I pulled into the driveway of the farm where the fundraising endurance ride was to take place with as much giddy anticipation as a 5 year old on Christmas Eve! I'd honestly waited my entire life to do something like this and realizing what was about to happen made my whole body spark with excitement! I couldn't wait! I drove past the rugged old barn and down into the hay field that was dotted with duelies, trailers and every color horse imaginable and found my place in amongst the other trucks and parked. The sun was shining brightly in the beautiful September sky and the air was crisp, the makings for a perfect day. I knew at that moment in time I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I breathed it in; horse, sun, pine, sweet grass, and crisp fall air; yes this would be a day to remember.

My friend Elaine and her boyfriend pulled in with her duelie diesel truck, trailer and our trusty steeds for the day and I didn't covet even a minute! We unloaded the horses, a big black Appendix Quarter horse named Zeus, his slick black coat shining in the sun was a beautiful contrast against the greens of the hay field, towering white pines and serene blue sky. Next was Lady, a dainty Paso Fino Appaloosa cross with a peppy little gait that said she could go all day. She is creamy white in color, seemingly a baby standing next to Zeus, but she is not, and don't let her little stature fool you, she held her own. Then there was what was to be my mount for the day, a gentle giant named Harry. Harry stands 16 hands high at the withers and those Thoroughbred legs of his looked three miles long, they came in very handy later in the day, let me tell you! Harry looks very similar to Garlic, with the exception of the much longer legs and a white patch on his forehead. We groomed the horses, tacked them up, signed our lives away with all the necessary paperwork, mounted up and hit the trail. I felt like I had a mile wide smile across my face and I'm sure I did, I knew I was in for a treat.

Elaine told me that Harry was a former racehorse, I raised an eyebrow and she went on to say that he'd been off the racetrack for 27 years, so not to worry. Later she informed me that while he was the fastest horse on the track, he'd fly out of the starting gate get ahead of everybody, then plant all four feet on the track and wait for everybody to catch up to him, not the ideal makings of a racehorse, so he was taken off the track. As we headed out Elaine told me that Harry was happy to poke along at a walk but would go into a trot with much encouragement, hmm, much like Garlic. Due to his age, he'd be inclined to want to trot or jog up the hills as it was easier for him, no problem with that here! We crossed the street and got to the starting line, checked in and set out. Mind you there were riders there who ran through the entire course, hoping to make the best time and earn the most points, we were not of that group. We were going to take our time and enjoy the ride and the day off our farms. We could go at any pace we desired. I'm not one who likes to charge down a trail with steep hills, bridges, water obstacles, split rails, and hairpin turns that I've never been on, on a horse I've never ridden, at a breakneck speed, call me crazy!

At the first or second hill Elaine's horse who insisted on being in the lead hopped up the incline with that peppy little gait, I asked Harry to trot, he obliged with gusto! He started to gallop and we were up the hill in about three strides! Another advantage to those long legs. At the top of the hill Elaine looked at us heading up the hill and said Harry never goes that fast for anybody except her and was happy he did for me. I grinned. Yea!

At some point during the ride while galloping up a hill my foot came out of the stirrup and Elaine who was in front of me slowed and started to circle back to her boyfriend whose horse was way more content to bring up the rear. I was quickly behind her and cued Harry to start slowing down and to the right. He moved like lightening, unfortunately I was a little off center having had only one foot in the stirrup. Being off center made the saddle shift off to the side as well. Well that was all it took for me to realize I was quickly headed to the ground and the ground was not where I wanted to be. My thoughts were "Oh great, this is going to hurt! I don't want to smack my head. Oh this is going to hurt! Please don't step on my legs. Legs! I've got to get my legs under me!" I was able to swing my right leg over the back of the horse who was slowing down but not stopped, grab the horn and cantle with all I was worth, (Thank God for upper body strength from farming!) tell him whoa and get my feet on the ground. I was standing and Harry was trotting around me in a circle. We were fine! Later Elaine called it a "cantering dismount." I took a breath, walked over to a log to use as a mounting block, did I mention I have short legs and Harry's are VERY long?! and hopped back on and finished the course.

There were miles and miles of well kept horse and rider friendly trails that were well marked and with some very beautiful scenery, parts of the trail were wide enough to gallop two abreast, talk about exhilarating! We galloped through some wide open fields, up over hills with the tails of the horses streaming out behind us, I was living my dream, then we'd slow our horses to a walk and catch our own breath and giggle and squeal at what a rush that was, well, at least I did. I was out there riding this huge magnificent horse whose gallop is like a rocking chair with the wind caressing my face, whipping past my ears and blowing my hair with not a care in the world and I was alive!!!!

Words cannot accurately describe what a rush that is, no pill could ever produce that amount of intoxication. Utterly exhilarating, mind erasing, and soul satisfying are words that are appropriate to the description of the ride, but in my mind only barely scratch the surface of accuracy of what that ride was like.

We finished the course, untacked and cooled off the horses, made sure they ad food and water and headed into the barn for a potluck lunch offered by the Pony Club whom this fundraiser was for. We had our lunch tickets out and tried to hand them to the lady standing at the door with a box. She asked us what our team name was and looked up our time and handed us a ribbon! Elaine and I looked at each other, neither one of us expected a ribbon, but it was like icing on the cake. We probably looked like two little girls, best friends from the Pony Club books, standing there mouths open, eyes dancing, happy as can be! We were told that about half of the teams that enter don't even finish and since we did. we earned a ribbon! We looked at the leader board and saw that one team had completed the course in 80 minutes! Talk about crazy! The 'optimal' time was about 107/108 minutes and our time was 124 minutes. I had no idea we were being timed, I thought they were just checking us off when we came through the 'check points' to make sure we hadn't had an accident and gotten thrown off or something. Lunch was delicious, of course, I think anything you don't have to make yourself tastes better anyway, but maybe that's just me. After lunch we loaded up and left, I rode behind Elaine back to her house so I can only speak for myself, but I had the biggest grin on my face and was on a high like no other. It was certainly a day to remember; a day spent with friends, on horseback, in the sunshine, fresh air and pine trees, covered in sweat and 'horse' and overflowing with joy; it is a day I'll never forget.

for Elaine

Checking to see where her horse is.

Hey! Where do you think you're going?!

any day on horseback is a good day!

The kids went to mom's house for a few days for some "Nana Time" which meant that I had a day to do whatever I wanted. There were many things I should have done, but since that doesn't happen very often (by choice) I took advantage of it and goofed off!! I went riding!

my boys

a favorite view...

damn stupid tax!

If I were not paying "stupid tax" I'd be team penning in the weekends! There is a place right up the road from me where our local team penning group practices and I'd be there all the time if it weren't for the stupid tax we're working on, ugh! Until that time I guess I'll have to practice with the goats, they didn't mind too bad! Andrew and I then Faith and I took turns team penning the goats this glorious afternoon and what fun! It was also very motivational, it only made me want even more to get the "stupid tax" paid off so the kids and I can do this while Ron will be out on his 4-wheeler. I think I'll print off one of these pictures to remind me and keep me motivated.

*These pictures were taken by Faith.

my boy

I'm so pleased with his coat this year! He has not been brushed or washed in this picture, in fact he'd rolled about 15 minutes before. (above picture)