humbled...

I am so humbled by my children. They are amazing and I just can't tell you how much I love them and how much they mean to me, without them I am nothing because I have nothing.

Our garden area was a disaster - for several reason, more on that in another post and it is because of who Faith and Andrew are that we have a garden this year, why it's doing so well and why I am so humbled tonight. As their mom I get to witness them shine and I often have my heart pop with pride because of the thoughtfulness, kindheartedness or caring things they do often for other people. But is was one of those shining moments that connected itself  to tonight in the garden that I'll not forget. Complete selflessness is what I witnessed tonight and and I had no right to ask for their help and they both willingly gave up a perfect summer evening to spend it in the garden helping me weed and tend the plants. Not a complaint was uttered, not a sigh nothing but complete willingness to work.

There are few things in life better than a perfect summer evening where the air is cool and dry with a gentle summer breeze, bare knees buried in the warm earth, the birds singing in the treetops, the vocalizations of a mother goat to her baby, the clucking of chickens, dirt under your fingernails, affectionate conversation between my children and I united, solid, steady and strong.

So many people travel the world looking for the peace they might just be able to find in their own backyard.

back in the saddle baby!

It's been a long time with everything that has gone in the past year with high's and low's but today I'm back in the saddle and let me tell you it feels good!!! Today I decided to saddle up Garlic and go for a ride. It's been a long time since I'd done that with all the ice we had last winter, all the death this past spring, the illness this past summer and fall, the business that brings in the end of year, now we're back to the beginning of riding season and I'm back in the saddle!  I mean this in the literal sense as well as metaphorically too, I cannot say the past year was easy or that it was handled brilliantly. I'd do it again if I had to but there were times that despite the peace I honestly felt there were times that things felt completely out of control and it's been a while since I felt like I had a handle on things, today was the culmination of feeling like things were back under control. As 'Boz' and I headed back to the barn we rode along in a rhythmic collected canter; mane, tail, and hair flowing behind us; both of us needing this and fully enjoying our time out. I was able to let out a sigh that as it was being exhaled surprised even me in it's exit. Long overdue that.

#23 - a place of solitude

I'm pretty sure the stress of 2011 has caught up with me and is now taking it's toll. For about a month or so now I've been dealing with a pinched nerve in my neck/left shoulder, with chiropractic care it is finally getting considerably better for which I'm thankful. At the initial visit and exam I was told that (without my saying what a treat 2011 was and what I'd been dealing with) it was likely due to loads of physical and mental stress.... hmmm what may have caused that?! So uh, yea, I've been a bit stressed and knitting my fingers to the bone trying to make ends meet and the physical stress of that combined with the mental stress has come to a head, but the timing is amazing! I was talking to the receptionist which ended up being the chiropractors wife and a holistic health coach! Bonus. We started talking and I have no idea how it came up be I made mention that part of the stress which has caused the pinched nerve was Ron's health, she looked empathetically at me and handed me a DVD to watch. She proceeded to tell me a bit about what it was about - 6 people reversing diabetes and getting off all their meds, including insulin, blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I burst into tears, which made her get all choked up, I said thank you and left.

Here is a wonderful preview:



So I brought it home, told Ron about it and we watched it together. The longer thinker/processor on the family need to process what he'd heard and decided a few days later that he's willing to give it a try! I almost burst into tears again. Let me back up a bit, during the cancer scare this summer I'd been directed to a few documentaries that might be a glimmer of hope in what seemed like a dark spiral we were in at the time, one of them that clicked instantly was: Food Matters




which led to: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, Burzynski the Movie, Vanishing of the Bees, and Gasland. All of which came on the heels of King Corn, Food, inc. and Fresh and all of which I think you should see. I had also been introduced to The Raw Truth and Perfect Weight America both by Jordan Rubin, both of which I'm in the process of reading. I was ready for a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunshine, a straw to grasp what have you, so I went back to another appointment and asked more about this raw food thing and asked for a book to start with. She smiled, made a recommendation and said that she was starting another round of raw food "cooking" classes in January so the kids and I are looking forward to that and hopefully Ron will join us.

Which brings us to the surgery Ron just had to relocate the ulnar nerve in his left arm due to the severe atrophy and muscle wasting. The surgery went well and outlook looks good. He got his stitches out yesterday and last night we ended up in the ER again because the wound had popped open and would not stop bleeding, and I mean it was a gusher! The ER nurse whose name is Chris is now quite familiar with us and recognizes us, joked as we walked in saying this was the best that Ron has ever looked and almost didn't recognize him, but could tell there was a serious issue and took great care of us. I hope there is a comment card I can fill out for him, he's awesome! The ER doc wwas finally able to get the bleeding to stop and we went home after a while with instructions to follow up with the surgeon today, so we did. She flushed the wound and dressed it and sent us on our way, we went over to pick up a script for an anti-biotic just in case... and while he was standing there it started gushing, again. We returned to the surgeon who'd gone back into surgery and the seemingly alarmed nurse in the office went back to get the doc. She came back out and dressed the wound, again and said to expect this until all the blood from surgery a week ago comes out. Quite frankly this doesn't feel right, I've learned to listen to my gut and this doesn't make sense to me. By the time we made it home the blood had soaked through a TON of gauze, dressings and ace wraps, so I watch add more gauze and wrap it again, and wait.


In the meantime the kids and I have a humdinger of a head/chest cold; how Ron had not caught it is beyond me, I'm trying to listen to my body and rest because that's what it is telling me it needs and take care of the kids Ron, and the barn. While out doing the barn chores tonight the kids made me ugly and I sent them into the house. Nearing tear again from the stress and concern over Ron, feeling like I've been run over by a mac truck, the pain from the pinched nerve and all the other things going on made me walk into the grain room and collapse on the hay. Bridger who is now a tried and true farm dog likes to hang out in the grain room on the hay while we do the chores was already in there making a nest for himself in the hay was all too happy to have me plunk this tired body down beside him. "Puppy" I whispered and he gently laid his lead on my lap. I let out a long sigh and he did the same. I leaned back onto a bag of grain; cushioned by Garlic's winter rug, put my feet up on a grain bin and listened to some of the most magical sounds on the planet. I heard the peaceful hum of the alpacas, the rustling of the hay and the occasional pawing as the goats enjoyed their hay, I heard the gentle cooing of the hens and an occasional flutter of wings as they finished eating and hopped up to their perch to settle in for the night. One of the goats started bleating in protest thinking I'd forgotten to feed him and wanted to make sure I hadn't. I hadn't, just hadn't made it there yet. And Garlic was snuffling through his dinner and enjoying every delicious morsel. Odd as this may sound I love the smell of the barn, I just love it, the sweet intoxicating smell of second crop hay, the combination of manure and fresh shavings, cold crisp winter air, warm breath of the animals, sweet smell of the grain, the leather in the tack room, it's all perfectly harmonious and brings me such peace. I just laid there listening and breathing in the barn and realized that I was feeling the stress just melt away and realized that I was so fortunate to have a place where I could find solace and I smiled.

Ahhhhhhhh......

We're all home together tonight under one roof. So peaceful and thanking God for everything.

smiles on our faces and peace in our hearts

After dinner last night Ron thought it would be a good idea to have a campfire, he was right! The great thing about our property (they are SO many others as well...) is that it is wooded, thickly wooded. Which means we never have to look too far to find wood for a campfire. Having thickly wooded property is good, cannot see the neighbors and bad because there are lots of blow downs. Coreah loves it, we've no need of a chipper, she's a buzz saw on 4 legs! She'll grab onto an end of a blow down and drag it out of the woods for us, then proceed to chew it up all over the lawn.... until we put it in the campfire. No worries, she'll just go get another one.

It was a long day mentally and just what I needed to get over it, just exactly what is is that when you're around a campfire takes away all stress and anxiety of a bad day? We all sat out there as a family around the fire and occasionally the goats would wander over to see if we'd cracked open the s'mores, vegetarian of course! It was 10:30 before we came in and headed to bed with smiles on our faces and the peacefulness of a campfire in our hearts.

Harley enjoyed it too.

How many people feel like this?

This weekend I wrapped up a book I've been reading and wanted to share an excerpt from it that touched me. Writing is not my thing, as evidenced by my posts, but I share the authors sentiment. Trudy Chambers Price writes in The Cows are Out! the following:

"What a special place to just be, I thought. I belong here on The Hill, in this wonderfully isolated space, with the breeze blowing the clutter from my head, the sun warming my shoulders, renewing my spirit, and expanding my dreams until they seemed real.With every rock I touched, I felt a bond to this small parcel of earth, a bond so strong it seemed as though I worked this land before in another time, another life. This is good earth, I thought, that will reward us with the best crop of alfalfa. I didn't mind at all that the earth got in my shoes, crusted around my fingernails, coated my arms and hands and blew in my hair."

Very few people that I've met in my lifetime have felt at peace with where they are, a connectedness, contentedness and peace that comes with it. They are always striving for something but often times I wonder if they even know what that is. My hope for you is that if you have it hold on to it with both hands, not letting go. And for those of you in search of it stop, look around and find a place to sit and breathe maybe you'll find that you actually are where you thought you were headed.